My Own Two Feet

I blame all my best qualities on my mom. Blame is a carefully chosen word because my best qualities also have the tendency to run me ragged – drive, determination and refusal to sit still. I aligned myself with my mom so closely growing up, so her tragic death three years ago was a turning point. An upside down summersault. When your best friend, heroine, mentor dies you are left spinning without an instruction manual. I lost my sounding board. If I am her shadow, and she is not here to guide me, where do I look to shape my life as a young woman, in a new marriage, starting a career path and setting out in the world on my own two feet?

This blog is not about my mom, although in a way it is because it is about me. My musings will be about the things I do that make me who I am in a world that was suddenly left open to me for the making.

I am a woman, a wife, a granddaughter, a friend, an athlete and a public relations professional. I pretend to be an extrovert, but I don’t think I’m very good at it. I’m very close to my family, but I don’t have much of my own family left. I am thankful for the large family that I inherited from my husband.

I am a cancer advocate by passion and by trade. The disease stole my mom. When I picture cancer, I see a monster with sharp claws. My job is the armor I use to protect myself from the beast. It is also how I communicate with my mom. I think it’s my way of telling her that I’ll never stop fighting for her even though she’s dead and I couldn’t save her.

Losing my mom was a stumbling point. A hard sit down on the ground. It has taken me a long time to get back up. But over this last year, I have found a lot to strive for again. I feel closer to my husband; more comfortable with being an adult and not just a daughter; and more confident in my own abilities. I have fallen in love with traveling. With running. With road cycling. I’ve learned to channel my confidence into activities that make me feel complete and fulfilled. In the last 12 months I’ve lost 40 pounds, run two half marathons, cycled up mountains in the Rockies, the Alps and the Pyrenees. I’ve established myself in my career at a great cancer-fighting organization and have continued charity work in mom’s honor. And recently, I took care of my family as we helped my grandfather through sickness and to a peaceful death.

Have I become my mother? No. But I have channeled her amazing life and energy to help me find what makes me tick. And I’m happy again.

I plan to take this new me on many adventures in the coming year. More traveling, more runs, more rides, my first marathon, my first 100-mile bike ride and climbs up a few more mountains. The planning has already begun. And this time, I would like to invite you to come along for the ride. I’m not sure exactly where we’ll be going. But I do promise you that I will be taking the journey on my own two feet.